insecurities

I have a hard time trusting good things. My friends just don't see the real me. If they did, they'd run screaming. I second guess things I say or do all the time. My friend Nichole calls this "being all Kris" about something. Sometimes I'll email or IM or call her, having worked myself into a frenzy about something I said to a friend, or a phone call I didn't return. Now she's going to hate me. Now he'll see what a freak I am. "Oh, Kris," says Nichole (and even if she's 200 miles away, I can see her shaking her head with a smile creeping at the corners of her moth), "don't be all Kris about it! Your friends love you. No one expects you to be perfect."

Oh, but I do...because if I'm not, if I say or do the wrong things, they'll all disappear. My friends will leave me behind and I will be alone. I want to be liked, but there are voices in the back of my head saying that I'm not very likeable. I'm a girl who is used to being on the outside looking in. I had a best friend in my elementary school class, but I didn't have a group of friends. In high school, I had a few good friends, but I wasn't a part of any group--I was on the outside of a few different groups. So, at lunch or in class or hanging out immediately after school, I had friends. But when they went to do something on weekends, they went as a group--a group that dind't include me.

I'd like to say that I've matured beyond this. That I am comfortable in my own skin and I can be myself without caring what other people think. But I am not. I trust my friends, I just don't trust myself.

I'm working on it.