Monday, December 6, 2010

closing time

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I have been reading the Percy Jackson books--a young adult series that puts a modern spin on the Greek myths. In the 4th book, Janus--god of doorways, beginnings, endings, choices--appears in the Labyrinth.

And here we are...Advent. The beginning of the liturgical calendar and the end of the modern calendar. The doorways are in front of me. Choices lie ahead. There will be an ending, and a beginning.

The endings used to scare me. The goodbyes, the fear of loss, the unknown, the letting go--they were things to be feared. I can remember graduating from college and feeling this deep sense of dread and loss...that these relationships would disappear, that I would crumble without the *place.* I underestimated myself, of course, and underestimated the people I loved. They came with me to Los Angeles, in spirit if not in body, as did all the lessons I learned. There are things I choose to carry with me, and things I choose to leave behind. My first trip back east from L.A. was a hard one. Only a month after September 11, I was reeling and lost. I found myself back on my beloved undergraduate campus. I felt safe, grounded, whole and home for the first time in 4 months. I didn't want to leave. A trusted mentor and friend took my shoulders in her hands and said, "God didn't drop you off at the airport and wave goodbye. You aren't alone."

I am the product of my beginnings and my endings, a product of my choices, a product of the doorways I've closed behind me, and those I've walked through with confidence or caution. Janus stands before me, his two faces asking me what's next...and this time, I'm not afraid. God is with me, especially as we wait in Advent.

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